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Today was probably the worst day of my entire life. I was woken up this morning by a frantic call from my mother telling me I had to get to the hospital. My sister is ready to have her baby at anytime and stupid me though my mom was trying to wake me up on a Saturday morning to try and help deliver my sisters` baby... Which was`nt happening. Til my mom told me words that will probably always haunt me... "Your dad had a heart attack. Your step mom is trying to find you. He might not make it." And I`m pretty sure my blood went cold.

Me and my dad don`t have the best relationship. He made spastic appearances during my childhood. It was`nt until I tried to kill myself last year that he finally gave a damn... And that only lasted a few months til he literally internet stalked me and found out my sexual orientation. To which it was then "let me pray out the gay". So yeah, long history. But he is still my dad  ya know.

I made it to the ER to find out he was going to be having emergency open bypass surgery. He and my step mom had requested it be held off til I got there, which shocked the hell out of me. My dad actually took my hand and told me he loved me before being taken, and yeah... I cried like a little bitch.

Then came hours of waiting. Seeing family I have`nt seen in years, trying not to lose my mind from staring at blank walls. I don`t really believe in God, but I prayed like hell. The doctor came out about two hours earlier than he was suppose to. And my step mom grabbed a hold of my arm so fast it was crazy. The color drained out of her face and I knew she was thinking the same thing as me... That we lost him.

Though it turned out the surgery went well. Only one bypass but that poor artery was 99% blocked. Apparently my dad had been having this heart attack for three days and did not bother to tell anyone til this morning. I`m gonna beat his ass for that one later.

There has only been one blip on the radar so far. And that little blip was like a fucking bomber. His heart stopped and it was like an ER show and they had to shock him back to life. Thankfully I was sitting in seclusion somewhere trying to keep my emotions under control or Im pretty sure I would have lost it again.

He looks ashy and gray but he is alive for now. And Im still praying he stays that way. I`ve decided I`m not giving up on my dad, and I`m not letting him give up on me.
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September 2010

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